Human Connection - Not Only Electronic

I travelled this week.  Travelling is easy for me – a decade or so ago – I spent about 40 weeks on the road.  That now seems like a lifetime since then.  Now I am only “out” 3 or 4 times a year.  All of the little tricks I have learned about getting through airports pay off most times.  Everyone has their own routine for travel adventures.  As for me – I like to engage in conversation with people.  Now that should not be too big a shocker  to most of you.  What might surprise some of you though, is that I do not just do idle chitchat.  I pick a subject that might be of interest to both the person next to me and me.   It is really easy actually…I always have my people reading skills and my props.  Not always, but most times, after a few minutes of “viewing” I can get a sense of their family attachments, political slants, etc.  Now I will NOT share with you how I do it, I will only say it takes practice and experience.  The best part – is that most people never know I did – they just feel I connected.  A useful  skill – in many ways!!!!  I will tell you that the use of my props helps immensely.  I do not have a Kindle for just this reason – I carry  books/mags with covers and watch the reactions from the people next to me.   If I get ANY reaction I jump right on it and start up the conversation.  The fun of this, is that I will get to talk to someone that has an opinion about something – and that makes for great conversation.  You may say “Chip, I don’t like to talk on planes and I would not engage.”  Can I just say – “But you would…”  Before I start the process I write a number on a napkin.  That number represents the number of props/questions that I think it will take to start a deep discussion.  I usually write down 3, but rarely do I need that many…just years of practice. 

You see, everything in life is a learning experience for me - whether it is talking to a fortune teller in Vegas or an XRAY machine salesperson in a hospital.    Life is about interaction – it is what makes us human.  Caring about others is one of the two principle differences between our brain and the brain of say …a bear.  The cruelest person  you know has more caring in them than the “nicest bear”.  I know you do not believe that – that is ok – you don’t have to believe it – that still does not make the statement untrue.  Brain functionality and its rewiring is not a subject most understand – I do not.  I do know how to enhance the general focus and perhaps the most incredible function of the brain – blocking.  You may consider yourself a multitasker – but you actually cannot do 2 things @ 100% - at the same time.  You think you can – you have convinced yourself you can – but only .5% of the world’s population can do that.  While that is still a lot of people – you and I are probably not in the group.  I have mastered one multi-task – that of leering at an attractive woman while still maintaining eye contact with my dinner companion.  I can do that not because I am so talented – but more because I detest enormous amounts of alimony (even success has its drawbacks) J 

So on my latest trek, after some evaluation, I started up a conversation about negotiation and investing – I doubted it would get much depth based on my observations.  The person next me was not really looking for advice, and I really had little to give.  We talked about 3-4 minutes, and sure enough she needed some help.  I suggested she get life insurance (min 20 year worth of term) equal to 10 times her annual net salary, have 6 months of net income set aside for emergencies and evaluate when she would need the money, as well as determine her risk tolerance.  She smiled “ That is your best advice?   I figured you would try to impress me.”  I like that kind of frankness.  My response was “What I just gave you will allow you to sleep alone for your whole life – but will assure that you will never have to”  That broke the ice and we talked a little about some very dry topics of debate and negotiation.  Turns out she knew very little –she said that her strong suit was literature – which was really what I wanted to talk and learn about to begin with (told ya’ I could).  But I had already figured that out…See her eyes had glanced at my copy of Sense and Sensibility (I suppose the book did not match me) and she looked over a few times.  I also know people that read can carry on a conversation on most subjects – not everyone reads just tech manuals.  So when I wrote down the number 2 on the paper – I knew the best bet was “the under”…. J

We as humans need to talk more and “electronic” less, stress less, and just about everything less – ok one thing  NEVER less – but I will leave that topic alone .   Engagement is who we are and if you struggle with it, that is ok – that is who you are.  Just be careful if you are next to me at a meeting, a plane, a bus, a train or a 4 mile run – I will engage you  - all in less than 5 questions/props.  Something I love to do and have learned to do fairly well over my almost 50 years.  Those are just my thoughts – what are yours?  Oh wait, I bet I can tell you! All I need is about 10 minutes face to face – after all I am human… not a machine ;)    

Life Ain't about High School Drama and Frat House Parties

High School Musical is the cult hit amongst the tweens (those between wee ones and teenagers).  The movie comes from Disney - the undisputed marketer extraordinaire.  I must admit that I have watched it with my soon to be 11 year old daughter.  The movie is a stereotypical classic example of life - with Jocks, Nerds, Cliques, Mean People, Polly Annas and so on.  The appeal of the movie is that it has so much reality - the sad part of the movie is that it has so much reality.  When I was in high school the cult hit was Rocky Horror Picture Show - not a great deal of reality in that flick.  2011 is a different era.  Children are so attuned to life at a much earlier age now.  I see that as a plus - perhaps you do not.  Many of adults shelter their children from reality - almost like placing them in a vacuum in the hopes that they will never "know" and will avoid all the evils. Many adults also shelter themselves from the truth. The truth is ----how you are/were in middle school/high school and college MAY or may NOT be an indicator of who you become in real life.  At an early age though, boys and girls don’t understand that.  I get it – I get the fact that peers matter – I get the fact that self-esteem is learned to a large degree.  The fact that I get it – does not mean that I like it.

I have conversations with my daughters about life almost daily.  You know life, the important stuff that happens as one wonders around doing OTHER stuff each of us feels is urgent.  Some of you are reading this now and are saying "it only gets worse Chip – you will see".  My response “Maybe – Maybe not”.  I will not live vicariously through my daughters, I will not feel threatened by them having more than I did and I will not allow them to feel privileged because they do.  I will be involved in the process, but I know that I cannot control the outcomes – for the most part anyway.  I want them to be able to enjoy what this life has to offer and not subject themselves to what others say.  I am fortunate enough that they will not have to listen to many of the "why are poor jokes that many others may.  My daughters already understand that if they “pass along” any of those so called funny poor jokes to people they know, I will make certain that they experience poor.

As I look back on my younger days, I know that some of the “in crowd” of school never quite made in the real world while some of that same group did.  Many not in the “in crowd” have done and are doing very well in life.  When I say made it, I do not mean money wise, I mean life wise.  Most of the people I went to school with are, or soon will be, 50.  At that age, one should know who one is – that is  - being able to make it in life.   In school, I was never the star, the king, the smart kid, I was just me.   The best compliment I ever get is “Chip, you are about the same as you were 35 years ago”.  Yep that is me – a narcissistic, driven, unapologetic, protective, liberal leaning, laugh at himself, boundary less, control freak who stills believes that life is what one makes it.  I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, that is where BBQ sauce will go. At some times I can be caring, but as an emotional support system – I could not generate enough “power” to run that “plant”.  I never went Greek in college and frankly or unfortunately – depending upon your perspective – I cannot give you even 1 name of a person with whom I went to either undergrad or grad school.  Not saying that is the way it should be – I feel one should enjoy the college experience if possible – I am simply saying I wanted to get through school with little debt and I did.  I don’t have any friends that know me well.  I have a few enemies that do not like me mostly for the adjectives I used to describe myself and that makes me smile.

I know of three times in my adult life where who I am, was both questioned or supported, depending upon one's perspective:

1.  In 1988, the CEO of the Company (and 55 year old son of the founder of Kenworth trucks) for whom I worked with and I had a brief - but profound conversation.  The sales team I was leading had just landed the largest account in our Company's history.  Yes, I was loud about it.  The CEO caught part of the verbiage and with a quick word quipped:

    "Do you know what you can tell a 27 year old MBA?"

     "No Sir, What?"  I said

    "Not much"  was all he said as he walked away.

I learned that winning is important - but the reward is the winning - not the reward and accolades.

2.  In 1995, our Company's top performers were meeting for a celebration dinner in an overpriced restaurant in Atlanta.  We were on the top floor of some hotel where the room actually turned in a circle.  As the drinks flowed, the group got louder and insults began to flow.  After a while, a few were thrown at me.  Most of the guys at the table were tops in their class at Harvard, Washington & Lee, Wharton and Stanford.  I was a mere mortal - a graduate of Jacksonville State University.

 One guy took his best shot:  "Why did you go to an all black school?"

I retorted - "That is Jackson State:

He came back with "Oh, then why did you go to school in Florida?"

I came back with - 'That is Jacksonville University"

Having enough - I simply stated the obvious:

"What do a bunch of Ivy Leaguers and Ivy League wannabes call a Jacksonville State grad?"

Everyone kinda look puzzled, but said nothing.

"Boss!" was the only word I said.  Someone grabbed the wasteful check and we left.

I learned that where you learn usually only matters to yourself.  What you know and how you apply it lets you lead.

3.  In 1984, I asked a Professor for a recommendation to get into Officer Candidate School - U.S. Army.  Some people may think her letter was a cut, a slap in the face.  I still consider it the best letter of recommendation I have ever been given.  It started as:

"Chip is neither the most creative nor the most intelligent student I have ever taught.  He questions all theories and beliefs, but respects the authority from which they came.  If I were developing a new theory of psychology practice and wanted to dazzle my peers with wonderment, I would not choose Chip to assist me.  However, if I wanted the theory to be put into practice and become a law, Chip is one of the only ones I would let touch it.  It would be on time, under budget, well executed and above all -- well promoted."

I learned that everyone has a specialty - not using it and trying to be someone else wastes lives.

Many people I know have older children, they simply laugh at me and say “I can’t wait until later and you go through all of the drama today’s kids go through – Chip, you will change your tune”.  Really? Do you know many people that call themselves: a narcissistic, protective, liberal, et al.?  I am not everybody.  I am not really “anybody” – been that way most of my life.  I am a defender of those less fortunate.  I am a believer in free will.  I feel all people deserve to win.  I am a FIRM believer that those who do not feel the same, have the right to feel that way  and have the right to say so – just as I have the right to laugh and say “this ain’t high school or some frat house – this is life – baby”. 

My girls can learn a great deal from their mother, much more than they can learn from me.  The one thing I hope they take from me is this: – who you are at 11, 15, 18, 21 matters little until you realize that you are part of this great place called life and no one should convince you to follow a specific path in it.  That may be hard for my girls to understand both now and in the future – yet another reason I stay in shape –so I can remain a living, breathing example of someone who “just ain’t right” and is very proud of it.  So Troy, Gabrielle, Sharpay and the rest…my girls will be your age soon enough – they just will not be you…they will be themselves – something I have thought about for most of my close to 50 years….

Win-Win or No Deal is Not a Game Show

About 8 years ago I offered to help a group of people in our Church learn a little about leadership and a few quality habits I had learned over my life.  My offer was that I would take what I had been trained to do, educated in & experienced with, and put all of this together while combining it with Biblical references.  I am not the most profound platform speaker nor the most entertaining, but I can hold my own.  The response I got was..how do I say...less than Godly.  In retrospect, it may not have been the material, it could have been they simply did not want ME to do it and were  using the fact that I was going to talk about stuff that was not directly from the Bible as the rationale.  I suppose I will never know.   I write this today, because the main Principle (not value or belief) to be discussed  was one of Dr. Covey's 7 Habits - Think Win Win or No Deal - it is actually the 4th Habit in his group of 7.  You may disagree with Dr. Covey and that is fine.  However, if your reason for the disagreement is because he is Mormon, that is really not the best reason - but was an issue raised by one member 8 years ago.

The concept of Think Win Win or No Deal is profound.  So profound, in fact, that is transcends all faiths, all political parties, all races, all creeds, all colors.  It transcends ALL of them, whether you or I choose to believe that or not.  You may say "I already know this - it is very common and really is just about compromise" .  If you think that,  you are incorrect.  A simple Win -Win is a compromise.  Win- Win or No Deal simple means that you and I will find  a "position" that both of us can accept without compromising ANYTHING.  Let me give you an example:  You like Action Films and I like Musicals.  We decide to go to the movies, but we really don't want to compromise on which one.  However, one of us compromises anyway.  One is happy and the other rationalizes that the compromise was worth it for the sake of the relationship.  Sounds good right?  Really?  Oh it would be if each of us were rational and not emotional, but all of us, including me, have some emotions.  Over time, this type of compromise erodes any relationship.  You may say you are not that petty, so a compromise over a movie is minor.  You are correct, it is minor.  So will be the next compromise, then the next and so on.  All of these little compromises add up and eventually it just becomes a big deal.  Win Win or No Deal says : If we cannot reach an agreement then we will simply will not do either - we will do something else.  This Prinicple (not a value or belief) applies in price haggling, work issues, relationship issues, EVERYTHING.  Now THAT takes guts and some lack of self-centeredness. Which, as I am sure you know,  is not very common.  It actually takes courage & consideration AND an abundance mentality - not a scarcity mentality.  It is not NEGOTIATION. 

I watched the recent activities in Wisconsin and could not help but wonder what these people on both sides were doing.  It seemed to me everyone I talked to was choosing sides.  I had an opinion, but frankly, I do not live in Wisconsin, so I have no standing for the basics of the argument.  I do know that while the Governor won the battle, it is unlikely that the Wisconsin will win long term, those type of compromises rarely do.  Time will tell. 

I watch the legislature pass laws in Alabama regarding illegal immigrants and I wonder why?  Was there a Win-Win or No Deal struck?  Doubtful.  The "spin guys" said this law will eliminate illegals from using state services, keep them from using state resources, and get back jobs for hard working Alabamians.  Really?  You think?  So our Legislature thinks locking them in prison for a year, after a trial of course, will save how much money?  Prison is free of course and the health care in the prison is free of course.  Oops, guess that low level compromise is not the best option.  That is not a Win - Win or No Deal Option.  To work out a program would take courage and consideration - neither of which either political party wants to consider.  Why?  Discussions are not sound bites.  Discussions on solutions do not feed the circling sharks.  Discussions do not allow one side to declare a clear victory. BUT - there are no clear answers.  One fact about the jobs portion is clear:  if someone who you say cannot speak the language & is stupid,  can get a job at a wage for which you will not work  AND  actually gets a job that you don't even want,  culminates in the thought that:  He HAS to be stopped by legislation! Well, that  seems to me to be a whole lot more like a WIN LOSE than a WIN WIN.  But hey,  you decide - I,  for one,  am not  worried about someone taking my job - for I will take care of that myself - by outperforming anyone who tries.  Which side is it that is about LESS government again?  The lines are getting blurry....

I watch families bicker about stuff - stupid stuff - and say even more stupid stuff.  "If you loved me - you would pick up after yourself."  "Everyone knows that you don't try"  "I am the only one that will"  Those family members will reach a truce at some point and then compromise. All will be well for a few days, until the same stuff comes up again. Our MANTRA: "We all ptotect our pride and all is well (within our own head)".   Win Win or No Deal would eliminate the recurrence.  BUT - and there is always a but - that would take effort right?  And we all know that we just have to reach an accord today and move on - life must go on.  I can spend 5 hours with you today and with almost certainty give you the emotional/mental/physical/social outcome for your life 10 years from now - simply by watching how you handle conflict.   Compromise is simple - Win-Win or no Deal is Tough.  You will not find that suggestion in your religious text -  so most will ignore it - that however does not make it invalid. 

Win - Win or No Deal is difficult, but it can be done.  It will only be done by people who want the end results to be equitable for both sides, not just a short term win.  Winning should always be the goal, but the objective of winning should never be someone losing.  That group of people in the Church never experienced those lessons and I never got to use one of my gifts.  I left the Church soon after and went to another.  So that Church group and I "handled" the situation in the lowest form of compromise -  Lose - Lose. I don't really offer  my talents @ Church anymore.  I know I should, but many people are too concerned with preaching than they are about listening - and I guess  I am too sometimes- maybe more than sometimes (preaching is another form of Win-Win compromise).  Perhaps Habit 5 - Seek First to Understand - Then to Be Understood is one I need to revisit - but you know I got stuff to do - just like you - so we most likely will not.  Perhaps,  I will just agree to something and move on - makes life so simple......isn't that what you hear all the time - We need a simpler life?  Oh well, some more of my thoughts from a guy who has lived almost 50, not so simple,  years....

Guns, Guns everywhere and all the people shrink

I know guns don't kill people - people kill people.  So you like that idea do you ---- killing someone?  Much success so far?  You may like guns.  You may not like guns.  I like the fact that you have a choice and Actually make one.  Personally, I don’t like guns.  As with all beliefs I hold, this one is based on my life and thoughts from almost 50 years.  My first introduction to real handguns was coming face to face with three men , all armed, who knocked on the door of my childhood home looking for my father.  While it is nice to learn lessons while one is young, 9 was a little too young don’t you think?  I had several more "lessons" throughout my youth, one on an eventful night in 1975, and yet another at my home by a guy who always pushed the bad guy image to a limit.  Looking through my jr. high yearbook – The Bounty – I found a reference to that night – penned by a girl who was a dear friend of mine and whose sister followed me as Gadsden High Drum Major:  She wrote :  “and I’ll always remember when ____ pulled that gun on us  & I really would like to be the first to know if he does it again”.  I was 14. 

My response to all of that was of course : “I am getting me a gun!”  I did. I got one @ 15, kept it with me, in my car @ all times , even on me,  some days,  until I left for the Army in 1984.  Those were different times, under different rules in the 1970’s and 1980’s.  You can’t do that today – and I feel you shouldn’t.  You may read this and say – “No one said kids should have guns.”  You are correct – no one did.  My argument is not whether you have the right to a gun or don’t  have the right to a gun.  (Yes, I understand D.C. v. Heller as well as I understand the 7 decades of precedent under Miller…If you don’t then don’t quote me the law,  please!).  My point is all of those people having guns – some legal,  some not – made them feel invincible.   Something most likely they would NOT have felt had they NOT had a gun.   I know I would have been a whole lot less cocky.

The Army changed my opinion about guns.  I found that guns are the last resort – funny huh?  I also found that the military does not have guns – we have weapons.  Call your primary weapon a gun in front of the cadre and you will do so with it held over your head for longer periods of time than your arms will allow.    I learned much in the military:  Weapons make noise – Rangers do not.    Weapons have muzzle flash – quick turns of your wrist on someone’s neck do not.  Weapons leave casings – a metal baton with a mere 12 pounds of pressure will make a man’s knee buckle without any stuff laying around.  I also learned that bullets tear through clothing and skin – even through Kevlar.  I also learned that bullets burn inside your body.  I also learned that no matter how hard you try,  seeing blood gush out of a buddy’s chest,  it is not quite like it is when you see it in the movie theater or talk about it on a bar stool.  You see, while it is true – guns do not kill people – people kill people – most people need a gun to actually kill someone.  Which, I suppose is really my point today. 

I am not sure I know anyone that has ever been killed on a shooting range –but,   I am sure there have been.  You know the shooting range right?  The one where you wear those cute little things over your ears, the target is this piece of paper up to a 100 feet away, maybe your target is a pop up one and you are just so so happy that  you hit it.   You brag to all of your buddies and you are so proud!  One question – how many of those targets fired back?  I bet NONE.  You see, when you will need your skills the most is when you are under the most pressure to perform:  Your home is broken into in the middle of the night.  You are approached on a dark road after your car had a flat.  You see someone in a parking lot shooting people.  These three times would be excellent times to use your weapon and for most people this is the time they most likely will not.  Fear takes over.  The once pronounced ego and bragging is now seeking cover.  Some of you think you might could react and perhaps you are right – but most of you will bail and for that I am glad, I don’t want you getting hurt -  or worse  - you hurting others. 

I once got a medal for being the best shot in my Army training unit – no really big deal – but I will admit the shot group was tight – real tight.  I also got a thank you for being able to fire while a mortar round and live fire was coming at us.  I think the thank you wasn’t for having a tight shot group…the thank you was for being able to react.  I have that medal somewhere I suppose …but I can still talk to the guy that shook my hand that day – guess which one matters to me?

 I see now where Texas wants to allow students on college campuses to be able to carry concealed weapons.  WOW!  I have been to college – not sure I want some of those guys carrying anything close to being a weapon.  I see where the NRA spokesman writes:

 “Anti-gun politicians can no longer deny that the Second Amendment guarantees a fundamental right,” said NRA chief lobbyist Chris W. Cox. “All law-abiding Americans have a fundamental, God-given right to defend themselves” 

 God-given?  Really?

I am not a Constitutional lawyer, but along my educational background I have been in many law classes, Con Law being one of my favorites.  I did really well in that  class, so well in fact that since the course was graded on a curve and I was blowing the curve, I was asked to shave a few points sometimes.  I declined.  One day, however, an excellent offer came forth. A very cute and extremely "blessed" brunette asked me if we could make a "trade".  I have a weakness for  very smart women (many of you know that) so obviously I declined - for if she were VERY smart - I would have been asking her.  Fact is, the Constitutional law is made by man and the study of it should not be altered by emotion nor in this case instinct....

 So perhaps this little blog will not change your mind about guns, I really did not think it would.  Just remember though, criminals who will kill you, will kill you faster if they are threatened.  I, on the other hand, am not a criminal and  I know that most likely you are only a threat to yourself in a situation where you have neither the experience nor the patience to act, but right now in the comfort of your chair – you feel invincible – the gun near your side.  Not sure that was the intent of the second Amendment:

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Not sure many criminals can recite this ....but I have been wrong before.  Maybe the criminal that comes for you will be well read, realize you have a gun and run away– there are lots of those.